I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
