Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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