quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You ruined the universe
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
