You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
