I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
