Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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