Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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