a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Randomize
