I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
