Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
