Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
