i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
