grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
