So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
