I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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