At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
