I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
