Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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