I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
