Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
