i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
