Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
