literally had 100 drinks last night.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
