I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
