oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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