my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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