you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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