How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
