my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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