Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
