Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
