another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
