new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
