My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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