Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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