Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
