I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
