can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
