I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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