when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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