I hope mine doesn't look like that
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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