Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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