just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
as a side note pls kill me
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