I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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