I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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