i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
