We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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