don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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