if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i think my cat just said my name.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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