When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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