a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
