As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hippo gnu deer
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
