i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
