God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
