Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
